SUCK IT! MAGAZINE IS ON THE MOVE!!!

After several in depth strategy meetings with Griselda at "Psychic Friends Hotline" we have decided to move our midget googling fingers over to Wordpress:

http://suckitmag.wordpress.com/

TERRIBLE CELEBRITY TATTOO'S

Ah celebrities, they think they’re better than us and most of the time, as a society we agree. We idolise them and pay them ridiculous amounts for doing a job that lets them travel the world and is certainly no harder than the jobs most of us slave at for peanuts and bat shit. We may wish we had their money, their careers and their lifestyles but what we don’t want is their hideous tattoos!

Realising her ass was where she kept all her talent, Jessica Alba played nice by gift wrapping it for us.

Dan Arnold's Roseanne Tattoo: poignantly terrifying. Not quite as terrifying as Roseanne getting "property of Dan Arnold" tattooed on her ample rump. For real. I’m hoping after the divorce he had a long beard tattooed on it to make it look like a member of ZZ Top. Same goes for her. 

Tori Spelling's sometimes TV biopic acting husband Dean McDermott loves her twisted boob job so much he had the tattoo artist put it on there twice.

Nothing says “irredeemable fuckwit” like a tattoo of your own name on your person.

All that’s missing from Scarlett Johansson's technicolor hippy vomit tat is a dolphin and a unicorn.

I get what Eve is doing here: She wants to look like a muddy dog just jumped up on her boobs!

No need to overreact about Nick Cannon's tattoo, all Mariah's staff have one.

YUL BRYNNER: BALD ALL OVER?

Yul Brynner, famous for his legendary roles in The King and I, West World and The Magnificent Seven is Hollywoods seminal bald guy. He was rocking bald before bald was bald.

I’ve been investigating long standing rumours that Yul wasn’t just into shaving his head. Apparently Yul was into some serious manscaping and went one step further than Kim Kardashians “the only hair I have on my entire body is on my head” business. Yep, apparently Yul Brynner was bald all over!

Nothing stood between Yul and his Calvin’s.

Though I’ve trawled the web like some horny, married, amateur cricketer at a suburban bars' ladies night I’ve yet to find a shred of evidence – apart from the fact that he was a trapeze artist in his youth. Trapeze artists are carnies and carnies are suspect kinky folk with their own rules and laws and attitudes to hair and shit.

There are some nude photos of Yul floating around the inter-webs in which he sports some seriously hairy nutbush city limits but these were taken back in the days where he had head hair and thus can’t be considered a valid argument.

Also he was kooky. He used to demand all hotel suites in which he stayed had to be painted a particular shade of tan and the fridges be stoked with, and I quote "one dozen brown eggs, under no circumstances white ones!"

I guess he wanted looking at an egg to be like looking in a mirror.

So was Yul Brynner bald all over? I don’t know. Perhaps it was actually Telly Savalas. 

SIMON COWELL'S MANSCAPING EXPLAINED

"I'll have a reverse Donkey Kong please Svetlana."

Simon Cowell has all the money in all the world and all the body hair in all the Robin Williams. He could have that old growth chest forest of his transformed into anything he wanted. There could be hedge sculptures of elephants and reindeer covered in Christmas lights (made from Naomi Campbell's blood diamonds) but no. When he goes to get himself waxed to perfection he takes in the negative image of this picture:

T FOR TRANSEXUAL

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THIS EXPLAINS EVERYTHING

Katy Perry - Sexy like a 5 year old. 

Not only was Katy Perry raised a fundamentalist Christian but she also used to be in kiddie pageants. Now it all makes sense! She has that daffy demeanor because she's smiling big for Mommy. She's comfortable in her Hello Kitty cock tease regalia because she grew up shaking her little tushie for the judges. Whipped cream and fireworks come shooting out of her boobs at any given moment in any given video clip because that's showmanship. She probably still wears a flipper! All this lollypop, candy cane Willy Wonka sexuality she rubs in our faces is no different to anything you'd see on an episode of Toddlers and Tiaras. Sure most of those little girls go on to turn into ogres and torture their own daughters with fluro lycra and fruit diets or make a life for themselves on the greased up pole but not our Katy. She's found a way to live in the kiddie pageant spotlight forever. Stay still for your spray tan, Vaseline those teeth and practice your talent routine again - and get it right this time Katy or we will not be going to McDonald's!