Monday, November 29, 2010

SUCK IT! MAGAZINE IS ON THE MOVE!!!



After several in depth strategy meetings with Griselda at "Psychic Friends Hotline" we have decided to move our midget googling fingers over to Wordpress:

http://suckitmag.wordpress.com/


Thursday, November 18, 2010

TERRIBLE CELEBRITY TATTOO'S

Ah celebrities, they think they’re better than us and most of the time, as a society we agree. We idolise them and pay them ridiculous amounts for doing a job that lets them travel the world and is certainly no harder than the jobs most of us slave at for peanuts and bat shit. We may wish we had their money, their careers and their lifestyles but what we don’t want is their hideous tattoos!

Realising her ass was where she kept all her talent, Jessica Alba played nice by gift wrapping it for us.

Dan Arnold's Roseanne Tattoo: poignantly terrifying. Not quite as terrifying as Roseanne getting "property of Dan Arnold" tattooed on her ample rump. For real. I’m hoping after the divorce he had a long beard tattooed on it to make it look like a member of ZZ Top. Same goes for her. 


Tori Spelling's sometimes TV biopic acting husband Dean McDermott loves her twisted boob job so much he had the tattoo artist put it on there twice.


Nothing says “irredeemable fuckwit” like a tattoo of your own name on your person.

All that’s missing from Scarlett Johansson's technicolor hippy vomit tat is a dolphin and a unicorn.

I get what Eve is doing here: She wants to look like a muddy dog just jumped up on her boobs!

No need to overreact about Nick Cannon's tattoo, all Mariah's staff have one.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

YUL BRYNNER: BALD ALL OVER?


Yul Brynner, famous for his legendary roles in The King and I, West World and The Magnificent Seven is Hollywoods seminal bald guy. He was rocking bald before bald was bald.
I’ve been investigating long standing rumours that Yul wasn’t just into shaving his head. Apparently Yul was into some serious manscaping and went one step further than Kim Kardashians “the only hair I have on my entire body is on my head” business. Yep, apparently Yul Brynner was bald all over!

Nothing stood between Yul and his Calvin’s.

Though I’ve trawled the web like some horny, married, amateur cricketer at a suburban bars' ladies night I’ve yet to find a shred of evidence – apart from the fact that he was a trapeze artist in his youth. Trapeze artists are carnies and carnies are suspect kinky folk with their own rules and laws and attitudes to hair and shit.

There are some nude photos of Yul floating around the inter-webs in which he sports some seriously hairy nutbush city limits but these were taken back in the days where he had head hair and thus can’t be considered a valid argument.

Also he was kooky. He used to demand all hotel suites in which he stayed had to be painted a particular shade of tan and the fridges be stoked with, and I quote "one dozen brown eggs, under no circumstances white ones!"
I guess he wanted looking at an egg to be like looking in a mirror.

So was Yul Brynner bald all over? I don’t know. Perhaps it was actually Telly Savalas. 

Sunday, November 14, 2010

SIMON COWELL'S MANSCAPING EXPLAINED

"I'll have a reverse Donkey Kong please Svetlana."

Simon Cowell has all the money in all the world and all the body hair in all the Robin Williams. He could have that old growth chest forest of his transformed into anything he wanted. There could be hedge sculptures of elephants and reindeer covered in Christmas lights (made from Naomi Campbell's blood diamonds) but no. When he goes to get himself waxed to perfection he takes in the negative image of this picture:


Tuesday, November 9, 2010

T FOR TRANSEXUAL

Here's a story 'bout  man named Larry...

Anyone with even half a nerd gene knows that the Wachowski brothers were the guys behind the Matrix Trilogy and V for Vendetta, among other things. They were kinda geeky, kinda spiritual and possibly into the music of Lincoln Park. Their tight lipped refusals to talk to the press built up quite the mystique around them. People assumed this was because they wanted their films to speak for themselves but there may have been other reasons.

When the first Matrix hit movie theatres Larry Wachowski was a regular looking guy who had been married to his college sweetheart for 15 years. Move on, nothing to see here. By the time V for Vendetta came out Larry had turned into a dominatrix-loving, BDSM obsessed woman named Lana. To say success changes people is a big fucking understatement.

The director formerly known as Larry

2001 seems to be the year that some irrevocable shit went down for Larry, though prior to being famous no one cared to noticed so who’s to know? Anyway it’s on record that the director formerly known as Larry first met his future dominatrix/girlfriend at a West Hollywood club called the Dungeon. The Dungeon was what you’d expect - chips, dips, chains, whips, bondage and needles through the penis – you get the picture and it’s NSFW.

It was at the Dungeon Larry met a tri-sexual porn star dominatrix named Mistress Ilsa Strix. You may know her from such classic films as Dance Of The Whip, Toe Slave and The Temple of the Shemale.

At work with Mistress Strix

Apparently it was submissiveness at first sight for Larry who became obsessed with Misstress Strix, lavishing her with gifts in exchange for all night bondage sessions where he would dress up as Marilyn Monroe and act as her slave while she punished him to his hearts content. 

Not long after they met, Strix started taking her work home with her – much to the chagrin of her husband, porn star Buck Angel. You may recall him from such seminal films as “Buckback Mountain”, “Pigass” and “UFC: Ultimate Fucking Club.”

As with this whole story, things weren’t quite what they seemed with big, buff, maxi-tattooed Buck either. Though not at all obvious to the naked eye, Buck was a walking reverse Crying Game. He was born a woman and transitioned almost entirely to become a man. Almost.

In the biz Buck Angel is known as “the dude with a pussy”.

Anyway, Buck was surprised by how taken with Larry Mistress Strix was. They were both big Matrix fans (need I say more?) but s/he sensed something wasn’t right. Shortly after meeting Larry, Strix moved out of the modest pad that porn built and began doing Wachowski full time.

Larry even flew Strix to Australia to be with him during the filming of the Matrix sequels. Apparently he picked her up at the airport dressed as Lana but unhappily remained in male mode while filming.

In 2002 Larry and his wife of 15 years, Thea, divorced and he began living with Strix.
'Larry has been extremely dishonest with me in our personal life'. Thea said in the divorce papers, in what was unanimously voted the understatement of the year for 2003.

The BDSM community in LA, of which Strix was a prominent member were under the impression she was using Larry for his millions and chalked this up to her sharp business mind. But anyone who has ever seen her honkey website http://ilsa-strix.com/main/index.shtml would doubt her sharp business mind even exists.

After their divorce Buck Angel moved to New Orleans and ended up marrying the woman who pierced Lenny Kravits’ nose and nipples. He continues to star in his own brand of porn – and with a name like Buck he’ll never run out of film title puns. If you can think of any shoot him a line http://www.buckangel.com/index.html.
He seems like a pretty open guy. His most recent release was titled “V for Vagina.” So he seems to be moving on.

 Lana and Isla 

All is silent on the Wachowski front – as usual. There have been rumours that Lana and Ilsa broke up, but there have been equally as many rumours that they stayed together. Some say they spend most of their time in London. It’s possible this level of kink could go unnoticed there.

Now the Wachowski brothers are no more. However the Wachowski’s continue to make films together. They are currently working on a gay war movie set amidst the backdrop of the war in Afganistan. Type “Larry Wachowski” into IMDB and it will route you straight to Lana Wachowski’s page.  Larry is nothing more than a pseudonym Lana used to use. 

Sunday, November 7, 2010

THIS EXPLAINS EVERYTHING

Katy Perry - Sexy like a 5 year old. 

Not only was Katy Perry raised a fundamentalist Christian but she also used to be in kiddie pageants. Now it all makes sense! She has that daffy demeanor because she's smiling big for Mommy. She's comfortable in her Hello Kitty cock tease regalia because she grew up shaking her little tushie for the judges. Whipped cream and fireworks come shooting out of her boobs at any given moment in any given video clip because that's showmanship. She probably still wears a flipper! All this lollypop, candy cane Willy Wonka sexuality she rubs in our faces is no different to anything you'd see on an episode of Toddlers and Tiaras. Sure most of those little girls go on to turn into ogres and torture their own daughters with fluro lycra and fruit diets or make a life for themselves on the greased up pole but not our Katy. She's found a way to live in the kiddie pageant spotlight forever. Stay still for your spray tan, Vaseline those teeth and practice your talent routine again - and get it right this time Katy or we will not be going to McDonald's!